[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

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How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff


elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”


How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?


me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”


I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.


“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.


C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.


Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.