[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.