@fro_vo

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

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@BruceForce

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”

@michaelianblack

How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?

@KeetPotato

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

@EliTerry

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

@knot_eye

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

@Gupton68

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

@Staggfilms

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.