There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.
Maturity will not be reached.
Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:
Your car got paint on my keys.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”