@flouncingqueen

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

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@AbbyHasIssues

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

@urmumsausername

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

@3sunzzz

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

@rachxthompson

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

@AnniemuMary

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

@mustachewine

I laugh like a dumbass every time I hear the term ‘manhole’.

Maturity will not be reached.

@gerryhallcomedy

Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:

Your car got paint on my keys.

@SexyInsomniac

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

@existentialcoms

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”