[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
You Might Also Like
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*