Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
men, we mow at sunrise.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.