Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.