[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
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Everyone’s family
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
No, YOUR illiterate.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I love wikipedia
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.