[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

You Might Also Like


[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat


If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.


[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite


Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.


I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments


Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?


GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice