@david8hughes

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

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@KyleSmells

[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat

@3sunzzz

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

@murrman5

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

@dysondoc

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

@darinlovesbacon

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

@jake_lach

Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?

@theguywitheyes

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice