[god inventing sleep]
god: people can have a little death, as a treat
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice