[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Mission: Impossible
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I love art.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.