Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.