@3sunzzz

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

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@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@KylePlantEmoji

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

@leakypod

ron weasley: i have to use old books

harry potter: wow

ron: and torn up shitty clothes

harry: yuck lol

ron: would be crazy if my best friend had a vault full of gold and could maybe help me out a little

harry: ya lmao that would be crazy

@nutsaremixed

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@LuvPug

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said