20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal
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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“America is getting snow? How cute”
Top 3 Wiki sites:
*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*