No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.