[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

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M: I have what they call animal magnetism.

H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?

M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*


Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…


girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?


People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.


Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…


If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”


Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one


It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.


Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.