M: I have what they call animal magnetism.
H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?
M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
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Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life
Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
For them dirty farmers.