[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

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*someone finally replies after hours*

my brain:
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it
don’t do it

*replies in 0.02 seconds*


[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*


[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe


A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.


Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.


Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.


I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.


Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.


I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”


Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman