[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
fixed it
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.