[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
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Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Netflix: We have Less
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Never forget.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?