[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,