@KeetPotato

[airport]
“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
oh FFS

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@rachelle_mandik

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

@QwertyJones3

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

@dubiousrhetoric

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

@HarleyPlays

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

@robfee

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

@stanleybehrman

Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.

@GrillinChillin9

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

@withanewname

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”