this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me. I just assumed that you knew.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”
“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”