@KeetPotato

[airport]
“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
oh FFS

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@MykaFox

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

@UnFitz

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

@skedaddle74

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

@murrman5

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

@Sassafrantz

Lauren’s coming over.

“Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?”

Lauren: Sorry I’m late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.

@seancehat

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

@LostFelicia

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.