[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
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Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared