Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”