AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”