@TheTweetOfGod

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

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@LoriLuvsShoes

A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”

@RxitWounds

[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*

@CerebralWreck

According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@RunwayDan

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

@subtweetopath

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@Dawn_M_

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.