“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”