A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”
“Or a truck”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.