Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer