ALADDIN: *pulls up google earth*

JASMINE: this is not what I had in mind

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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.


Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.


Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.


Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes


The reason why there aren’t much female superheroes is that you can’t expect a girl to wear the same superhero costume twice in a month


[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*


Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I donโ€™t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!


Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what



Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*

Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-

Me: *swoons*