@drankturpentine

ALADDIN: *pulls up google earth*

JASMINE: this is not what I had in mind

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@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

@hammbone84

Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.

@daliamalek

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

@ThaJawn

Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes

@NoTrophy4You

The reason why there aren’t much female superheroes is that you can’t expect a girl to wear the same superhero costume twice in a month

@BlindChow

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

@chudneyspears

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I donโ€™t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

@ArfMeasures

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

@elizabeth_fels

[Club]

Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*

Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-

Me: *swoons*