“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
ALADDIN: *pulls up google earth*
JASMINE: this is not what I had in mind
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Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”
This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse
VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
ME: *gets down on one knee*
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.