@drankturpentine
@LindaInDisguise
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
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@LindaInDisguise
@hammbone84
Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.
@daliamalek
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
@ThaJawn
Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes
@NoTrophy4You
The reason why there aren’t much female superheroes is that you can’t expect a girl to wear the same superhero costume twice in a month
@Lani_Hayden
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
@BlindChow
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
@chudneyspears
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I donโt want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
@ArfMeasures
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
@elizabeth_fels
[Club]
Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*
Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-
Me: *swoons*