Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.