@WookieOnUnicorn

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

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@DaddyJew

*sees Earth trending*

*whispering to self* please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead

@pant_leg

the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason

@scorpicpanda

Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”

Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

@anafabregagood

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

@DBMaxP

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 36: Has one tiny little sip of water after 9 PM and has to get up and pee two times before 2 AM.

@heyevergreen

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.