Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
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What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
ibopfufen
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.