@eff_yeah_steph

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@UncleDuke1969

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

@Kyle_Lippert

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

@MondayPajamas

My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken

@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

@daddydoubts

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

@jpeek01

Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs

@itsmebeegee07

[5 wearing a watch that used to be my nieces]

10: You don’t even know how to tell time!!

5: *looks at watch* It’s time for you to be quiet