@BoogTweets: Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too Son: *From the basement* WHEN

@theyearofelan: This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of "who ate all the cookies?"

@wildethingy: The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@Jandalize: The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

@mrtruthandsoul: If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.