Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
You Might Also Like
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!