Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
You Might Also Like
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.
You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
We grew up in the golden age of cartoons.
Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs
[5 wearing a watch that used to be my nieces]
10: You don’t even know how to tell time!!
5: *looks at watch* It’s time for you to be quiet