Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
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I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
The Struggle
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals