Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.
[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]
Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work
[third snooze button]
Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower
[tenth snooze button]
What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america
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All rooms are panic rooms if there is no iPhone charger
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”