It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]
Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work
[third snooze button]
Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower
[tenth snooze button]
What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america
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Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant
10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant
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No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon
[sanitation worker knocks at my door]
The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.
[First day at New Job]
New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?
<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Me: so what else are you lying about