@portmanteauface

[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america

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@better_off_dad

Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.

@velvettusk

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

@MarloMeekins

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

@sixfootcandy

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

@kelkulus

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

@NewDadNotes

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”