[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

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It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.


Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice


First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*


Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.


windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers


Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*


(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”