@flashember

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

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@Midgetspar

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

@ArfMeasures

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

@JuanLikeHell

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

@ADDiane

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

@KrangTNelson

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

@hazelmotes1

Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@brunopieroni

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”