@Jade_VK

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

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@shot_of_cabo

I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..

And she said..

“The big hand is on the….”

@bornmiserable

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

@Mom_Overboard

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

@Beardson

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

@TheKegKiller

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

@dadmann_walking

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

@FinallyHeSleeps

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.