@Jade_VK

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

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@daveexplosm

Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?

@curlycomedy

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

@Parentpains

Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.

@CroweJam

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

@AnniemuMary

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

@RickAaron

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

@Donna_McCoy

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

@JaneyGodley

when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”

Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”

She never spoke to me EVER again

@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@LizHackett

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.