[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.