[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
day again why
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Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.


I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.


Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.


The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof


A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.


*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”


Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either


use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying


Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal