Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?


I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn’t hanging out in there, too.


That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit


I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…


Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.


I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.


her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it


Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.


As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks