@uccjeb

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

You Might Also Like

@duchesskk

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

@ventivodkacran

I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn’t hanging out in there, too.

@MamanyaDana

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

@GensPlace

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

@ComedicBust

Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.

@1MeLrO

I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.

@GrantTanaka

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

@crunchenhanced

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks