*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
August 8
Have kids, they said
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.