Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.