I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
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How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
decorating my apartment
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Whoa… oh I see lol
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.