I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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I used to work in mysterious ways. Now I just don’t work.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…
No. More. SYRUP.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.
If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.
Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.