@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

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@hazelmotes1

It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.

@NintenDom

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

@Vodkantots

[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.

@TheAlexNevil

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

@donni

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

@KentWGraham

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

@JohnBoyStyle

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Wu

Wu who?

I wouldn’t get too excited sir, I’m here to impound your car.

@mela_shea

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.