Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

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It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.


I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.


[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.


6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name


I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.


We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters


My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.


Knock, knock

Who’s there?


Wu who?

I wouldn’t get too excited sir, I’m here to impound your car.


Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.