@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

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@Cheeseboy22

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

@comer310

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

@SortaBad

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

@darrinfb

Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada

@PaperWash

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.

@thespacewad

If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.

@CandyEmpires

Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.