Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.