Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.