“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.