@SadHappyAmazing

Albert Einstein looking fabulous.

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@ClichedOut

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

@mugkip

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

@dubstep4dads

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

@IRLPepperMD

“This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see ’em!”
“But I can’t-”
“Now!”
*t-rex panics*

@HeyZeus666

Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.

@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

@famoushorse

customers who viewed SHIMMERING LIGHTS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOWS, also viewed THEIR FEET HELPLESSLY MOVING TOWARDS THE DARKNESS OF THE WOODS

@iwearaonesie

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

@Darlainky

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

@squirrel74wkgn

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start