“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
i prefer mine room temperature.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*