[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see ’em!”
“But I can’t-”
Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
customers who viewed SHIMMERING LIGHTS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOWS, also viewed THEIR FEET HELPLESSLY MOVING TOWARDS THE DARKNESS OF THE WOODS
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start