ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Look at this
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
new shirt idea
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.