ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.