Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.