@jaslakhmna

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

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@BeeeejEsq

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

@Parentpains

I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

@psybermonkey

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

@BuckyIsotope

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@Quartzjixler

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

@mattZillaaaa

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

@CaucasianJames

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm