Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Miscakes
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
why am I working on Labor Day
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?