STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Godspeed, John Glenn
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face