“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My dog ate my work from home.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec