Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
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daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.