Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My god she’s good.