Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors

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Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.


[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…


what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose


I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.


So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.


Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.


I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.


date: i hate pet names

me: [trying to recover as i was about to call her a cutie pie] same…. comrade


Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’