@Scdavis24

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@Kalarlis

what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose

@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

@NOTVIKING

date: i hate pet names

me: [trying to recover as i was about to call her a cutie pie] same…. comrade

@Gupton68

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’