The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
You Might Also Like
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Do not steal food from the science building!
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.