INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.