@andypatton

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

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@SteveSuckington

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

@Donnie_Fairburn

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

@minkpinkustink

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

@UnFitz

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

@Mwass_

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

@Adar79Angie

Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.

@elle91

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

@Swan_Corleone2

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

@btiici

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

@DevinSiebold

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.