Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

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[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?


One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?


maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun


7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.


So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.


Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.


Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.


[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera


Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you


Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.