Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
tis the season
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok