13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me
ME: she’s a liar
WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?
ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Boss: You have to stay late.
Me: Oh? Do you believe in magic?
M: *throws smoke bomb, gets lost, falls out window, smoke clears
B: HE’S GOOD!
my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
cop: there he is! get him!
‘you’ll never catch me! i’m translucent-man!’
cop: we can still kinda see you
My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..