Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

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13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now


WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me

ME: she’s a liar

WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?

ME: [wiping sweat] I love you


*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT


[Clinic waiting room]
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?


Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain


Boss: You have to stay late.
Me: Oh? Do you believe in magic?
M: *throws smoke bomb, gets lost, falls out window, smoke clears


my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party


The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat


cop: there he is! get him!

‘you’ll never catch me! i’m translucent-man!’
*goes translucent*

cop: we can still kinda see you


My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..