@GrapeJuice40

Alcohol is best served.

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@juliussharpe

I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.

@CerebralWreck

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!

@drinkcherrycoke

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@KissabiX

Him: I really like Coldplay

Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse

@HatfieldAnne

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

@Riocakes

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

@OldJakeOld

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat