Alcohol is best served.

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I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.


Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!


So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine



*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.


Him: I really like Coldplay

Me, trying to impress: I once fingered a corpse


When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.


I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece


[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat