her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
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Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.